Nervous start
This gardener described very vividly her state of mind when she first came to the garden for the interview. She had lost all her self-reliance, strength and confidence and was very, very stressed. She had seen a video of the garden and recognised herself in one of the gardeners in the film and said this was crucial to her overcoming several obstacles to the application. ”I was desperate”. She worried she wouldn’t be accepted into the Recovery Service, she was afraid she wouldn’t “pass the test” for entry.
The member of staff who received her was lovely. “She treated me like a person with a problem not a problem person or patient” She said this was true of all the staff and volunteers. “The biggest thing at Bridewell is how they treat you – as a person. It’s a beautiful place but it’s the people who make the difference”
“It’s a beautiful place but it’s the people who make the difference”
Boundaries and structure
When she was offered a place it was such a relief but at the start she was mistrustful. ”I was always waiting for the catch but there wasn’t one”. It took her a while to settle down but the staff gained her trust “without me being conscious of it”. She was also afraid of meeting and mixing with the other gardeners .She was concerned they would pry and ask “what was wrong with her”, but “discovered this amazing unwritten code among them – we don’t have to talk about our mental health issues – here we can switch off and be in the moment”. She would hear conversations which were reassuring e.g. someone mentioned their memory loss and she thought” it’s not just me then”.
She appreciated the boundaries and structure and liked the fact that they were upfront about the rules. “But there’s flexibility too. They have the balance right”. She had dreaded the start of each week, it reminded her that she wasn’t working anymore and felt like a burden on society but she started to like getting up on a Monday instead of dreading it. “Before that I couldn’t get out of bed”
”To garden is to look forward to tomorrow”
Being in the moment
Over time she was able to move away from striving all the time, towards being in the moment. Her self-imposed pressure was dealt with in a way that she appreciated. When she wanted to rush back to work staff and volunteers were direct with her and she was invited to reflect rather than react in the old way. “They said think of yourself “ She found this an alien concept at first but gradually discovered she was important. “I could just be me”.
As she reflected on what she really wanted she rediscovered her love of gardening. ”To garden is to have hope. To garden is to look forward to tomorrow” Before that “I had put myself on the back burner”. She realised that she had to get better before she could do things for others. She learned to let other people take some of the responsibility.
This gardener recently left Bridewell after 2 years but part of that was interrupted by Covid and this set back her recovery process. While she enjoyed the enforced break at first (I’d been wishing for the world to stop and it did!) the issue was re-emerging into the world. She felt she had slipped backwards and lost confidence again. “I really needed to go back to Bridewell. The telephone calls were a life line but starting to attend again was a nightmare. Initially, gardeners were only able to attend once a fortnight for a short day so every other week was a worry”. “It felt like the first day at the gardens again each time I attended”
"I know I wouldn't be here today without Bridewell"
Moving on
Her leaving was difficult as she felt she was not quite ready. Returning after the Covid lockdown it felt there was some pressure to move on to allow others to attend. She was told there had been lots of demand for Mental Health Recovery Support throughout the county.
She was required on arrival to sign an agreement that she couldn’t come back as a volunteer. At the time this had upset her and made her feel she wasn’t a whole person. Now she still has” a lingering feeling of discrimination”. She misses the garden structure to her week, but most of all the conversations with staff and volunteers. “For me it was a life saver”. She continued “ I know I wouldn’t be here today without Bridewell”.
From the Bridewell Team: It is very powerful to hear people's experiences of Bridewell and of recovery. Thanks to ideas shared by gardeners Bridewell now offers a monthly Connect Session for former gardeners to keep in touch with the gardens, and with connections made at Bridewell.
