First impressions
My first impression was of a safe, calm place - there was something magical about it.
Finally, aged 60, I had asked for help, and I was doing something for me for the first time. I didn't recognise myself. Normally I'm chatty, lively, humorous, but now I was quiet and wanting to be alone.
“I was doing something for me for the first time”
Finding space
For the first two or three months I did my own thing. I just wanted to be on my own. I would escape by digging in the compost heap for worms for the chickens.
At the beginning I picked the worst jobs like a punishment - it made me suffer and my muscles scream and that felt good. Then I became angry - like a traumatised 5 year-old brat (which I was). I refused jobs. This brat came home with me and my husband spotted it. I was angry because no one helped me at the time. I thought bad things happen to me because I'm not a very nice person. That feeling has mainly gone but it will come back sometimes. It might last a week and then it goes away.
If someone is too chatty there's no room in my head for the vineyard - it's so beautiful and I want that in my head, not people talking for no good reason. The space allows me to feel, not be, Being outside really helps too.
"The space allows me to feel, not be."
Shifts and changes
One day, after five or six months, this new person came home with me. The person I found and didn't recognise at Bridewell has become part of me - I've absorbed it. I still use the mask because it's part of me too.
Around that time I came to an Open Day and hated it - all those people in my private space. But now I love Open Days. I take pride in the garden and love sharing it.
"I didn't need to punish myself. I could look after myself"
Discovering woodwork
The gardening at Bridewell wasn't new to me, but the woodwork with one of the volunteers was - and it changed my life. I made a trug with lots of different elements and the volunteer was delighted. I knew I had artistic talent before but nothing I did was ever good enough. With wood, I can say I'm good at it. I think I will be able to sell the things I make and potentially make a business out of it.
My husband bought me some machines to help, but I want to do everything manually. The woodwork has helped him too - he made something. He is terminally ill. When I got the diagnosis, I was very upset and talked about it at Bridewell 1:1. It was really nice and I felt looked after. But he needs me more and more, which reduces the time I have for myself.
Pressure and recovery
I did get angry in February and attempted suicide. We inherited a garden recently which was a wilderness, and I was working flat out to turn it into a functioning garden. I had to do it all as my husband wasn't well enough. It was a lot for several months. I was also taking two courses at Bridewell, coming in for an extra half day a week.
Now the courses are completed, and I have a functioning vegetable garden. Things have calmed down and I need to level out for a few months.
"At Bridewell they are doing therapy without you realising it"
What Bridewell offers
I've done other therapies - lots of talking - but so what after you've talked? At Bridewell they are doing therapy without you realising it. Sometimes you get something just by listening to a conversation rather than being directly involved.
I had a light bulb moment - everyone here is a nice, good person. Oh, so that means I am too! Yes!
